Film Reviews, Words

The Boy and I finally caved to the 21st century and bought a giant LED LCD television. And it came with a free blu ray player. Man, I love when you get bonus spring rolls!!! Anyhoo I quickly started making a list of movies I wanted to buy on blu ray format so I could start my 21st century collection. Since Star Wars is my FAVORITE MOVIE SERIES OF ALL TIME, I was excited to see that it was going to be released soon!

And then… then I remembered.

I remembered that George Lucas is an asshole who likes to add horrible shit to these already wonderful movies. Like, Greedo shooting first cause Han Solo is such a moral, perfect dude. Heaven forbid our heroes be complex and confused, like, Oh, I don’t know, Darth Vader is? Or that gross CGI addition of Jabba and Han on Tatooine? It’s the one time I’ve ever asked for less Harrison Ford. I would literally sacrifice moments with Harrison to get rid of that scene! Or, UGH, changing Anakin Skywalker’s ghost so that it now has Hayden Christenson’s stupid face. Why?! WHY?!?!? If Anakin changed at the end of his life then that’s what he would look like as a Jedi ghost–the awesome, respectable Sebastian Stan. The change makes ABSOLUTELY no sense other than George Lucas needing to force us into acknowledging HIS vision of the films when we just want to watch the ones that have no Jar-Jar in them. Why can’t he just let me ignore whiny faced Anakin? I lived for almost 18 years before he existed and I was honestly a happier person back then.

What this sordid history translates to is me owning multiple versions of these films. My original VHS, which were the default viewing go tos until 5 years ago when they’d been watched too many times and they got that wobble thing that happens and I got scared and boxed them away and bought the series on DVD. Only to discover that they were the 90s versions. But then, Lucas released another set on DVD, only this time the bonus disc included a non-remastered original theatrical version! So I bought basically the exact same thing AGAIN, just to get shitty versions of the ones I love on the b side.

Sufficed to say, I’ve already forked over lots of money to Old Georgy Porgy, so I’m torn about the blu rays. Apparently they are the “remastered” 90s versions… WITH MORE NEW STUFF. OHMYGODWHATISWRONGWITHYOUGEORGELUCAS?!?!?! According to the Internets, the Ewoks now blink (cause that’s an important evolutionary trait on Endor or something), Ben Kenobi scares the Tuskan Raiders “better”, and Darth Vader yells “NOOOOOOOOOO!” when throwing his boss down the glowing tube. Why? Cause we couldn’t figure out that Vader didn’t want Luke killed when Vader PICKED UP THE EMPEROR MID LIGHTENING ATTACK AND THREW HIM DOWN A CHUTE? If I hadn’t had the extra exposition of him saying NO, I never would have known. I would have assumed he was just doing some weight-lifting using his buddy and didn’t have a spotter, so Oopsie! Sorry, Boss!


I have no idea what I’ll do. I guess, like always, I’ll just give George Lucas more of my money so I can get the special features. And so he’ll have justenoughmoremoney to do that “expensive” restoration of the theatrical versions. The REAL films. Can you imagine what he could do if he focused his energy on something else other than ruining his masterpieces and his legacy? GAWD. He’d just make us all relive the day before so we could get it “right” this time. Seriously, someone should write a scifi novel about that… and use the proceeds to take Lucas down and remaster the films ourownfuckingselves.

A list of all of Georgy Porgy’s changes so far.

A list of all of the blu ray specific changes, with video.

And finally, here is Darth Vader’s new constipation yell.

6 thoughts on “Han Shot First aka STOP RUINING MY CHILDHOOD GEORGE LUCAS

  1. The moment in “Spaced” where Simon Pegg builds a “Return of the Jedi”-style pyre and burns all his Star Wars paraphernalia to mourn the loss of his innocence in the wake of Episode I is a highlight in the history of television.

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